Got Smart?

Every little girl dreams of the day her Prince Charming will come to find her, sweep her off her feet, rescue her from all the bad things in life, set her on a pedestal, and love her until the day she dies. But that's all just fairytales, right?
I think Disney really messes with our minds as little girls. It fills us with all these ridiculous ideas that someone will actually love us instantly. That we're just to sit around and wait for this person to hopefully show up on our doorstep. They don't tell you about all the hard stuff you go through to get there...if you ever get there. What about all the broken hearts? What about the guys who play with your emotions and they "don't realize it"? The list of questions goes on and on.
Women are made to be caring people, to be motherly. Well, that works great when you're married and then when you become a mother, but what about now? All it has done for me has given me that many more pieces of a shattered heart.
I haven't fallen for a ton of guys like some people that surround me but the few I have fallen for, have messed me up. It amazes me what three guys in can do to a heart. I've heard so much as to: I see you as more of a sister (worst one of all), I didn't realize I was giving the wrong impression, We're just friends (least painful).
I find myself now blocking off the idea of love in every way possible. I have so many walls built up it would take a miracle to break them down. And I keep finding the source of the problem, it's those movies I was so in love with when I was a kid. Had I not watched those could I have prevented myself from thinking that their story could be my reality? Probably not, but I've got to come up with some reasonable idea as to how I got so messed up.
I have found a way to beat the system though...In the past few months, I'd say since September, I have changed my perspective on a lot of things, especially love. I have looked at it from a more mature perspective or maybe just a eternally broken heart perspective. I'm finding it hard to believe in love at all. I don't understand how there are so many people that actually do fall in love...the process doesn't make sense. But anyways, as I begin this new journey in my thought process, I find myself more free. Honestly, I've never been happier in my life!
I've always been the one that cares for some, and when I say care...I mean with everything I am. But I have never been cared for back. That's the hardest. But now, I care for no one(any boy with my heart). Instead, I care for myself, I protect myself. It's kind of freeing actually. I've had so many years where I worried for other people, people I loved but didn't love me in return. I was always concerned with their hurts, their problems, and even the good stuff like their joys, and what made them happy that I never paid attention to what hurt me or what gave me joy. I'm finding now how important it is to do that. If I don't know what makes me happy, how can anyone else?
With all these new ideas and such, I'm surrounded by people telling me it's not good to be like this and that it's better to have your heart broken and start all over again than it is to block it off completely...I beg to differ.
Over a heartfelt discussion the other night, one of my guy friends decided he would give me advice on the subject of love and what I've decided to do with it. To my surprise, he didn't give me the same speech I've heard from all other corners, he agreed with me! He said he thought I was being smart with making this choice. He said all I'm doing is protecting myself. Finally, SOMEONE UNDERSTOOD! This is the point in the argument where my other friends would have said something like, you can't live alone for the rest of your life, blah blah blah. I was awaiting his response on that...he said, "When God is ready to release your husband to you, He will also open your heart to love him. You don't have to worry about trying to figure out who it is that you need to open your heart to because God will." It was so reassuring to hear that I'm doing something right, that I've finally gotten it!
So, as I sit back and act cynical(to everyone else), I think I'm just in a time of preparation. I'm preparing myself (and my heart) to love that one person that God has for me. I'm saving all my energy for him because he deserves it, especially if he's marrying me. ;)

I Finally Got Smart!


XoXo
Kayla