Wipe These Tears Away

My mind, spirit, and wisdom say RUN AWAY while my heart says GO BACK WHERE YOU CAME.

I'm torn between following my heart and following what I know is best for me.

One direction contains a world of the unknown. Opportunities I have yet to experience, people I have yet to meet, relationships yet to have.
The other contains constant feeling of brokenness, hurt, and rejection.

So why is my heart still so attached to the negative?

How can only a few moments here and there account for enough for my heart to want to overlook all that is to come?

This is no longer a battle between what I feel I deserve and what I really deserve...or is there?
Am I not over the thought of feeling that I truly don't deserve more?
Does the idea of a different future sound out of reach or even unbelievable?

Or is it simply fear of how perfect the future can be?

My heart says GO while the rest of me says NO.

The thought of going back makes me shiver. I even feel the pain I once felt before but my heart still yearns...go back.

How do you move on from a life of an unreliable relationship? A confusing love.

How do you gain back power and respect?

Who teaches you how to trust again?

What REALLY pulls you back? Is it because we really don't feel like we deserve more or could it be that we are just too afraid that something might actually be better? Could it be that we invested so much time in effort into the future that we don't know what to do when our future suddenly changes?

And when it comes to restoration, how long does it take? Will it be years? Will I feel this desire to go back for YEARS? How can one deal with that day after day for that long and not go back?

Every day is a new day, filled with new ideas of life, new thoughts of what life is going to be like, new fears, new victories...My everyday doesn't only consist of those. The thing that stands out the most doesn't fit in any of those categories. The thing that stands out in my day to day are the painful pits in my stomach that remind me of how much I miss you. The pain you caused me does not closely compare to the pain of missing you. The memories, good and bad. The hopes for the future, the possibilities of "what could be."

Tears form as I think on these things, everything we were, every memory, every talk about the future, every hope...and just as I wipe my tears away, I pray that it wipes away those things that keep me wanting to go back.

One day these tears will dry up and maybe then so will my love I have for you.