A Moment to Remember

Ever so often I experience nights when trying to fall asleep where my mind wanders to many different places.

Tonight, it went straight to one place...a student and 2am one morning at camp.

As I laid here, I could vividly see everything that took place that morning. Every ounce of energy that was put into saving a life. Every devoted person. Every tear that streamed down faces, and I can even hear every prayer being prayed. It's like I have gone back in time and am sitting in the midst of that terrible situation once again. Everything is as real as the first time. The fear and worry tremble through my veins. My heart pounding with anxiety. I'm trapped in that same sea of emotions. The only difference between the pain I feel now and what I felt then is now, I know what the outcome is. At the time, we hoped for the best, we prayed for the best, and we believed for the best. Our spirits were high and we felt nothing could defeat him. But now as I am experiencing it all again, it's tougher...the pain, it hurts more because I know the news that came as the sun rose.

It's not often I experience this kind of night. In fact, it's only been maybe 3 times since the night at camp. But when it happens, I can hardly stand it.

I often wonder if these nights will ever stop. Will my memory always be this perfect when remembering this terrifying time? Will it ever become blurred and not hurt as bad? And then I think, do I really want it to become that way or does this help me somehow? Does what I experienced that night affect my life today? Is God showing me something or trying to say something when he brings these memories to the forefront of my mind?

As much as I don't want to feel the pain, the chills, and the rapid beat of my heart, or shed these tears, I don't want to ever forget the moment that meant so much to me. A moment when I was being used by God to help him bring his child home.

I know I did everything I could as well as everyone else did! But I still wonder, was it enough?

I look up to Kayla, Austin, Dan, and all the others who were heavily involved in saving a life. I look up to this student's youth pastor even more. I hope to one day have that same love for the children and youth I work with.

But for now, I must smile because I know this young man is perfect now in every way. He is singing and dancing as he pleases and who knows, maybe even doing the camp workout routine.

And with that, I'm attempting sleep once again.