My mind, spirit, and wisdom say RUN AWAY while my heart says GO BACK WHERE YOU CAME.
I'm torn between following my heart and following what I know is best for me.
One direction contains a world of the unknown. Opportunities I have yet to experience, people I have yet to meet, relationships yet to have.
The other contains constant feeling of brokenness, hurt, and rejection.
So why is my heart still so attached to the negative?
How can only a few moments here and there account for enough for my heart to want to overlook all that is to come?
This is no longer a battle between what I feel I deserve and what I really deserve...or is there?
Am I not over the thought of feeling that I truly don't deserve more?
Does the idea of a different future sound out of reach or even unbelievable?
Or is it simply fear of how perfect the future can be?
My heart says GO while the rest of me says NO.
The thought of going back makes me shiver. I even feel the pain I once felt before but my heart still yearns...go back.
How do you move on from a life of an unreliable relationship? A confusing love.
How do you gain back power and respect?
Who teaches you how to trust again?
What REALLY pulls you back? Is it because we really don't feel like we deserve more or could it be that we are just too afraid that something might actually be better? Could it be that we invested so much time in effort into the future that we don't know what to do when our future suddenly changes?
And when it comes to restoration, how long does it take? Will it be years? Will I feel this desire to go back for YEARS? How can one deal with that day after day for that long and not go back?
Every day is a new day, filled with new ideas of life, new thoughts of what life is going to be like, new fears, new victories...My everyday doesn't only consist of those. The thing that stands out the most doesn't fit in any of those categories. The thing that stands out in my day to day are the painful pits in my stomach that remind me of how much I miss you. The pain you caused me does not closely compare to the pain of missing you. The memories, good and bad. The hopes for the future, the possibilities of "what could be."
Tears form as I think on these things, everything we were, every memory, every talk about the future, every hope...and just as I wipe my tears away, I pray that it wipes away those things that keep me wanting to go back.
One day these tears will dry up and maybe then so will my love I have for you.
Saturday, March 17, 2012
Saturday, February 11, 2012
Ruthless
A deep pit, a wrenching pain
a life that will never be the same.
I've got dried up eyes
and a heart that still needs to cry.
What words cannot describe
is the pain that lies inside.
A broken heart a shattered dream
It's much harder than it truly seems.
Words unspoken have torn me apart
and never will I know why you stabbed me with a dart.
Tears have fallen
and now all is gone.
The pressure to move on
is harder since you've picked up and gone.
You've given no answers
and that's the worse.
I feel like a doll
that has been cursed.
My heart is empty
but this I have rehearsed.
You said you'd never leave me
and now I've learned the truth.
Tis much better to trust no one
than to believe in a ruthless someone.
I am most definitely hurt.
a life that will never be the same.
I've got dried up eyes
and a heart that still needs to cry.
What words cannot describe
is the pain that lies inside.
A broken heart a shattered dream
It's much harder than it truly seems.
Words unspoken have torn me apart
and never will I know why you stabbed me with a dart.
Tears have fallen
and now all is gone.
The pressure to move on
is harder since you've picked up and gone.
You've given no answers
and that's the worse.
I feel like a doll
that has been cursed.
My heart is empty
but this I have rehearsed.
You said you'd never leave me
and now I've learned the truth.
Tis much better to trust no one
than to believe in a ruthless someone.
I am most definitely hurt.
Thursday, January 19, 2012
A Selfish Desire
I catch myself constantly falling into a pit of selfish desires when the people around me are getting the things they want.
I know that I should feel happy for them, even when one of them I practically placed together...yet all I feel is pure selfishness.
Why do we focus so much on ourselves that we can't be happy for others?
I put on a mask that says I'm incredibly happy for everyone while my insides scream with pain and jealousy.
It seems like the very thing you want is the very thing everyone surround you is getting.
You begin to feel like you're being punished...or worse, that you don't deserve the desires of your heart. You've done too much wrong or you've messed up so bad that you can't have those things you truly want.
So I guess I will sit here, being contained by this selfish desire that I cannot escape.
I know that I should feel happy for them, even when one of them I practically placed together...yet all I feel is pure selfishness.
Why do we focus so much on ourselves that we can't be happy for others?
I put on a mask that says I'm incredibly happy for everyone while my insides scream with pain and jealousy.
It seems like the very thing you want is the very thing everyone surround you is getting.
You begin to feel like you're being punished...or worse, that you don't deserve the desires of your heart. You've done too much wrong or you've messed up so bad that you can't have those things you truly want.
So I guess I will sit here, being contained by this selfish desire that I cannot escape.
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
Christmas Calls
As November 1st rolled in and is rolling out, the Christmas spirit sparks up. Christmas albums release (Justin Bieber and Michael Buble produce AMAZING ALBUMS!!! Go buy them on iTunes immediately!), holiday scentsy scents come out (buy some from JustinJames - JustInTime Scentsy), Starbucks brings back the Christmas cups (you know this is your favorite thing!!), and of course, the air (except for waxahachie's current air issue from the chemical fire) smells of bonfires, is crisp, and fresh! I LOVE Christmas time!
There are so many things that bring Joy into my life during this season. For some reason, we really sit back and realize how blessed we are during this time. With Thanksgiving approaching, we pull out our "What we're thankful for" list and add more. If only it didn't take a holiday or a season for us to make these realizations. There's a quote that says, "You never realize what you have until it's gone." Why is this statement so true? Why does it take the loss of something or a worldwide holiday to remind us of what God has blessed us with? Or to be thankful for the PEOPLE in our lives? I myself am just as guilty as the next person. I may be starting early but I'm thinking for next year's New Years Resolution, it will be to show my thanks and appreciation for the people in my life. (If you have good ideas on how to do this, let me know!!)
Anyways, I have my Justin Bieber cd playing (All I Want for Christmas is You with Mariah Carey) and all I want to do is pull out the Christmas tree, fake snow, lights, green and red clothes, Jingle Bells, Peppermint Hot Chocolate, Peppermint hand soap, decorations, cookies, milk, and everything else Christmas!!!
***Living in the dorms allows me to shamelessly decorate for Christmas starting Nov 1st since we move out two weeks after Thanksgiving! :) I'm a little overjoyed if you can't tell...too bad all my decorations are at home!
I hope I have thoroughly prepared my roommate for the Christmas explosion about to happen!
Don't forget to buy the Michael Buble Christmas Album and Justin Bieber's Christmas Album on itunes...RIGHT NOW!! and buy those you're thankful for some amazing Scentsy for the Holidays!!! (p.s. it's a PERFECT gift for your mom! or any special lady for that matter!)
Love Always
XoXo
There are so many things that bring Joy into my life during this season. For some reason, we really sit back and realize how blessed we are during this time. With Thanksgiving approaching, we pull out our "What we're thankful for" list and add more. If only it didn't take a holiday or a season for us to make these realizations. There's a quote that says, "You never realize what you have until it's gone." Why is this statement so true? Why does it take the loss of something or a worldwide holiday to remind us of what God has blessed us with? Or to be thankful for the PEOPLE in our lives? I myself am just as guilty as the next person. I may be starting early but I'm thinking for next year's New Years Resolution, it will be to show my thanks and appreciation for the people in my life. (If you have good ideas on how to do this, let me know!!)
Anyways, I have my Justin Bieber cd playing (All I Want for Christmas is You with Mariah Carey) and all I want to do is pull out the Christmas tree, fake snow, lights, green and red clothes, Jingle Bells, Peppermint Hot Chocolate, Peppermint hand soap, decorations, cookies, milk, and everything else Christmas!!!
***Living in the dorms allows me to shamelessly decorate for Christmas starting Nov 1st since we move out two weeks after Thanksgiving! :) I'm a little overjoyed if you can't tell...too bad all my decorations are at home!
I hope I have thoroughly prepared my roommate for the Christmas explosion about to happen!
Don't forget to buy the Michael Buble Christmas Album and Justin Bieber's Christmas Album on itunes...RIGHT NOW!! and buy those you're thankful for some amazing Scentsy for the Holidays!!! (p.s. it's a PERFECT gift for your mom! or any special lady for that matter!)
Love Always
XoXo
Thursday, June 16, 2011
PLAN for it!
So many times we sit and say, "I hope when I'm older I'll have this or that." But why do we "hope" for those things?
I was "hoping" one day about my future house, saying "I hoped" I would have a huge porch that I can sit on and read books while I drink my coffee while it is pouring down raining outside. A good friend of mine, who has been married for five years and loving everything of her life, said to me "Don't hope or wish for something...PLAN for it!" She said everything she has she planned for it! She planned to be married, she planned to live in a specific house, she planned to get her college degree, she planned to wait around 5 years to have kids (which she just found out she was pregnant!), she planned to have her own company with her husband, and so on! It makes so much sense! God knows the desires of our hearts and wants us to have them but if we don't plan for them, how do we expect them to come?
It seemed like such a ridiculous thing though to plan for a porch like I want...I should be planning other things but she said even in the small things...PLAN.
I started my nannying job today and was not looking forward to it! This guy lives on six acres of land and has a huge house! My fear of the dark doesn't mix well with either of those but upon arriving things got better! As I sit in the kitchen tonight looking out the huge 8 glass windows facing the back showing nothing but pure darkness and another huge house beautifully lit up I'm completely peaceful and in love. This house, although huge and maybe too big, its absolutely everything I want! (except my huge porch that wraps the house) ;) I've got an old Hillsong DVD playing on the TV, a few lights on the slightly light up the kitchen and the living room, and its just gorgeous. I WILL PLAN FOR THIS!
About 2 hours ago, I put Sarah to bed (she wanted to sleep in my bed so neither of us were alone!) and read her a book...The Cowboy Polka Band it was called! She pressed the music buttons as I read the story to her and it in itself was Perfect. Love filled my heart with every sweet look she gave me, with the words, "you're coming back right? you're just going to read your book right then coming back to me?" and the heavy little eyes that slowly blinked goodnight as I tucked her in. I WILL PLAN FOR THIS!
It's only been 4 hours since I've picked her up and about 6 hours since I've been at the house and I couldn't be any happier.
All in all, I will never forget the wise words of my friend...Plan for it!
XoXo
Kayla
I was "hoping" one day about my future house, saying "I hoped" I would have a huge porch that I can sit on and read books while I drink my coffee while it is pouring down raining outside. A good friend of mine, who has been married for five years and loving everything of her life, said to me "Don't hope or wish for something...PLAN for it!" She said everything she has she planned for it! She planned to be married, she planned to live in a specific house, she planned to get her college degree, she planned to wait around 5 years to have kids (which she just found out she was pregnant!), she planned to have her own company with her husband, and so on! It makes so much sense! God knows the desires of our hearts and wants us to have them but if we don't plan for them, how do we expect them to come?
It seemed like such a ridiculous thing though to plan for a porch like I want...I should be planning other things but she said even in the small things...PLAN.
I started my nannying job today and was not looking forward to it! This guy lives on six acres of land and has a huge house! My fear of the dark doesn't mix well with either of those but upon arriving things got better! As I sit in the kitchen tonight looking out the huge 8 glass windows facing the back showing nothing but pure darkness and another huge house beautifully lit up I'm completely peaceful and in love. This house, although huge and maybe too big, its absolutely everything I want! (except my huge porch that wraps the house) ;) I've got an old Hillsong DVD playing on the TV, a few lights on the slightly light up the kitchen and the living room, and its just gorgeous. I WILL PLAN FOR THIS!
About 2 hours ago, I put Sarah to bed (she wanted to sleep in my bed so neither of us were alone!) and read her a book...The Cowboy Polka Band it was called! She pressed the music buttons as I read the story to her and it in itself was Perfect. Love filled my heart with every sweet look she gave me, with the words, "you're coming back right? you're just going to read your book right then coming back to me?" and the heavy little eyes that slowly blinked goodnight as I tucked her in. I WILL PLAN FOR THIS!
It's only been 4 hours since I've picked her up and about 6 hours since I've been at the house and I couldn't be any happier.
All in all, I will never forget the wise words of my friend...Plan for it!
XoXo
Kayla
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Change Brings Frustration
"All of us experience change in our lives. Change is the one constant in our lives. There are changes that we look forward to and change that we fear. However, one thing is for sure. Things will not stay the same no matter how much we would like them too. When a life change occurs, we have two choices in how to respond. We can despair that a change has come and assume that things will be worse, or we can look with excitement at the new possibilities that the change presents."
A season of change is setting in. I'd like to take the easy way out and assume that things will be worse but I know that going the easy way is not the best way. I know that with things changing they're going to be better because Christ has plans far better than my own but despite my knowledge of that, I still find it easy to just be a negative nancy. I've given up something that I can't let go of. I feel like part of me is missing but I know that I gave it up for it to be filled again with something right
An overwhelming sense of emptiness has flooded me over the past few days. It's supposed to get easier, but seems to get harder. Breakthrough is in my future but how close or how far away it resides, I don't know. I rage with impatience. Ideas of going back fill my mind and make things much harder. God is my strength and I have to stand tall in that.
This summer brings a season of change as well. Stepping into my Senior Year of college sets up a list of change! Classes schedules, internships, friends, living locations, jobs, etc. Am I ready to go into it full force? It's like a final battle before victory comes. I can't go into battle unprepared but neither will I go in feeling timid. The upcoming months, I'm sure, will prepare me for this battle that will lead me to the end of one book and the start of another.
I would love to be able to express the emotions, confusions, disappointments, and everything else flying through my scatterbrained mind. I feel as if I could, I would be able to sort through everything and try and make some sense of it. I want things but they're not good for me. I need things but I can't have them (they may not be needs at all, possibly more of wants, but the desire for them makes them feel like needs).
Ive got so many more thoughts to go along with this but my mind can't seem to think my way through things bc I'm watching Distant Thunder in class so I guess this is plenty of venting for now.
XoXo
A season of change is setting in. I'd like to take the easy way out and assume that things will be worse but I know that going the easy way is not the best way. I know that with things changing they're going to be better because Christ has plans far better than my own but despite my knowledge of that, I still find it easy to just be a negative nancy. I've given up something that I can't let go of. I feel like part of me is missing but I know that I gave it up for it to be filled again with something right
An overwhelming sense of emptiness has flooded me over the past few days. It's supposed to get easier, but seems to get harder. Breakthrough is in my future but how close or how far away it resides, I don't know. I rage with impatience. Ideas of going back fill my mind and make things much harder. God is my strength and I have to stand tall in that.
This summer brings a season of change as well. Stepping into my Senior Year of college sets up a list of change! Classes schedules, internships, friends, living locations, jobs, etc. Am I ready to go into it full force? It's like a final battle before victory comes. I can't go into battle unprepared but neither will I go in feeling timid. The upcoming months, I'm sure, will prepare me for this battle that will lead me to the end of one book and the start of another.
I would love to be able to express the emotions, confusions, disappointments, and everything else flying through my scatterbrained mind. I feel as if I could, I would be able to sort through everything and try and make some sense of it. I want things but they're not good for me. I need things but I can't have them (they may not be needs at all, possibly more of wants, but the desire for them makes them feel like needs).
Ive got so many more thoughts to go along with this but my mind can't seem to think my way through things bc I'm watching Distant Thunder in class so I guess this is plenty of venting for now.
XoXo
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Going to Great Lengths
Today, I'm writing following a stressful night.
I've had a lot of phone trouble lately and it's really starting to irritate me. Since November I've been on my back up because my upgrade doesnt come till March 1st (almost here!!) but last night, that decided to go down the drain too! My dad apparently had to have the screen repaired when he carried the phone and I guess I got the bad end of the deal.
Anyways, I was right in the middle of a conversation with someone important and as I was waiting for their next text to see what they would say, my screen goes completely white! It started doing this the other day but would come back normal after about 30 seconds...this time it didn't. 3 hours of a white screen got me extremely frustrated! I had felt my phone vibrate from receiving 2 text messages and I just knew they were from that person and I was out to do anything I could to read them! My heart was set on finding out what they had to say to me!
It was in my moment of anger when the thought occurred to me...I shouldn't be doing all of this to see what some random person had to say, I should be doing all of this to see what God is wanting to say to me. I had gone through great lengths to find out what someone, who was very important to me, had said but in the past couple months I haven't had that same determination to find out what God has been saying to me.
He SCREAMS out for us to hear Him because He has so much He wants us to know about Him but we've gotten so wrapped up in our own world that we seek words from others rather than words from Him. Maybe this is just be, but I have a feeling there's gotta be someone out there that has been selfishly doing the same thing.
God has sent us His words in a non-technological way so that we can access it at any time, yet we are trapped in our world of technology. When will we realize that our faith is found in the words of God rather than the words of our text messages?
When will I seek Him rather than seek someone else?
Pastor Hennesy has been doing a sermon series called God's Text Messages. They've been great sermons and very meaningful, but honestly, it didn't effect me until my phone broke last night. What has he really been meaning by "God's Text Messages"? I think subliminally, it was a way of opening our eyes to compare our desire to receive text messages from humans to what our desire is to receive text messages from God.
It only takes one spark to make a flame, and one flame to start a fire...I'm on the road to being set on fire once again.
Maybe this means nothing to anyone else but myself or maybe it's encouraging to someone. Who Knows. But God is screaming out for us to listen to him, to desire to know what he says, and to Go to Great Lengths to hear Him. Listen.
XoXo
I've had a lot of phone trouble lately and it's really starting to irritate me. Since November I've been on my back up because my upgrade doesnt come till March 1st (almost here!!) but last night, that decided to go down the drain too! My dad apparently had to have the screen repaired when he carried the phone and I guess I got the bad end of the deal.
Anyways, I was right in the middle of a conversation with someone important and as I was waiting for their next text to see what they would say, my screen goes completely white! It started doing this the other day but would come back normal after about 30 seconds...this time it didn't. 3 hours of a white screen got me extremely frustrated! I had felt my phone vibrate from receiving 2 text messages and I just knew they were from that person and I was out to do anything I could to read them! My heart was set on finding out what they had to say to me!
It was in my moment of anger when the thought occurred to me...I shouldn't be doing all of this to see what some random person had to say, I should be doing all of this to see what God is wanting to say to me. I had gone through great lengths to find out what someone, who was very important to me, had said but in the past couple months I haven't had that same determination to find out what God has been saying to me.
He SCREAMS out for us to hear Him because He has so much He wants us to know about Him but we've gotten so wrapped up in our own world that we seek words from others rather than words from Him. Maybe this is just be, but I have a feeling there's gotta be someone out there that has been selfishly doing the same thing.
God has sent us His words in a non-technological way so that we can access it at any time, yet we are trapped in our world of technology. When will we realize that our faith is found in the words of God rather than the words of our text messages?
When will I seek Him rather than seek someone else?
Pastor Hennesy has been doing a sermon series called God's Text Messages. They've been great sermons and very meaningful, but honestly, it didn't effect me until my phone broke last night. What has he really been meaning by "God's Text Messages"? I think subliminally, it was a way of opening our eyes to compare our desire to receive text messages from humans to what our desire is to receive text messages from God.
It only takes one spark to make a flame, and one flame to start a fire...I'm on the road to being set on fire once again.
Maybe this means nothing to anyone else but myself or maybe it's encouraging to someone. Who Knows. But God is screaming out for us to listen to him, to desire to know what he says, and to Go to Great Lengths to hear Him. Listen.
XoXo
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)